How to Know if a Person is “Right for You”

Most relationships fail because you choose the wrong person. Sometimes repeatedly.

You don’t realize things are going to fall apart down the road. Or that they’ll make you mad or sad or crazy.

It’s not intentional. You don’t know you’re choosing the wrong person.

In order to break this cycle, you need to be aware of why you’re doing it. Once you see it, you can learn from it.  If you want to.

Here are some reasons you might be choosing the wrong person:


You Don’t Know Yourself

If you don’t know who you are, you’ll have a much harder time finding the right person.

You can’t pick the right person if you don’t even know what you want.

How do you react to love? What kind of treatment are you wanting, or needing? And how will you react if they fail to treat you in the way you want?

This is a whole basket of stuff to unpack here.

Getting to know yourself is a process. You have to study yourself. Pay attention to what makes you happy and what doesn’t. Pay attention to what triggers you.

Most importantly, pay attention to the people that make you feel as though you can be yourself. The good, the bad, and the crazy. It’s important to do self-work. So, it’s equally important to find a partner that makes you feel as though you can.


You Have Unhealed Trauma

This goes back to knowing yourself. Pay attention to what isn’t healed.

It’s your responsibility to heal what’s broken within yourself. No one’s coming to save you.

And a person you think is there to save you, is probably wrong for you.

A person saving you sets you up for a relationship of co-dependency. And usually ends when the other person gets tired of holding you up. What started out making them feel like a hero, eventually wears them out.

And rightfully so. It’s hard to take care of your own mental health, much less carry the weight of someone else’s.

That’s not to mention the many other ways unhealed traumas can have you choosing the wrong person. Things like growing up in an abusive home. You hated it, and yet you choose an abusive partner because it’s what’s familiar. It’s what feels like home.

If you grew up in a shit show, don’t choose a person that ‘feels like home’. Home wasn’t your sanctuary. And this person won’t be your savior.

Another way trauma leads us to the wrong person is by choosing an overly stable person. “Now Holly, how can that be a bad thing?” Let’s say you had an unstable childhood, no routine, no one you could rely on. So, the person you choose is stable, reliable, and serious. Sounds like a blessing. And maybe it will be.

But maybe you also want adventure in your life. Safe adventure. Maybe after years of holding it all together you crave a little vibrancy. And if the serious person you chose doesn’t have that in them, you’re going to feel a lack.

Now, these are just a few examples. Everyone’s traumas and needs are different. That’s why you need to be an observer of your own self. Adjust accordingly.


You See Their Potential

Potential is a tricky little liar.

Potential will fool you over and over again.

What a beautiful lie it builds in your mind. All that a person might someday be. But most likely won’t be.

If you look at your partner right now, and asked:

“If nothing ever changed about this person, would they be enough for me?”

And if the answer isn’t “Hell Yes!” then you have a problem.

It’s pretty freaking hard to change anything about your own self. How likely will it be you’ll change someone else? Not likely.

You’ll be waiting around for the person you want them to change into. Wasting your time on the dream of a life that doesn’t exist with a person you made up in your head.

Who are they RIGHT NOW? And do you want to be with THAT person? Ask yourself that and decide if you want to invest anymore time in them.

And if you’re single, ask that when you first start dating, before getting attached to each other. If you want kids and the other person doesn’t, walk away. You already know they don’t want what you want. Period.

Don’t let potential seduce you into a life you don’t want.


Relationships are Tricky

Even though I’m all about walking away from what’s not meant for you, I’m also a big supporter of sticking it out.

I think people quit too easily on relationships that could work. You won’t have butterflies forever. The “new love” feeling wears off. It goes away.

It changes into a calmer love. A love that might feel boring sometimes. It takes work to be in a long-term relationship. But it’s worth it when you have something worth working for.

If you’re lucky, you’ll find someone right for you, that’ll grow with you. And if you’re even more lucky, you’ll both have what it takes to work through the hard times and last forever.

But maybe not. Maybe you’ll find a person that was just right for right now. Not everyone is meant for forever, and that’s okay too.

You have to know who you are to figure the rest out.

What kind of life do you want? And who would be the right person to share it with you?

Listen to your heart and your gut. Life is all about learning and growing.

I hope you have a magical day.


I did a TikTok on this topic too. You can find it here: Girl Fix Your Crown TikTok

And if you liked reading this post, please share it with a friend. Someone that might really need to hear this message.

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And while we’re on the subject of my blog, here’s a few other topics you might like:

Save Yourself

Love Your Body

We’re All a Little F’d Up

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