Divorcing a Good Man

Caged

Divorce gets a bad rep. The world looks at divorce as failure. As a way of saying you weren’t good enough or you didn’t try hard enough. But in reality, sometimes you find your way through the the thick forest and realize you’re not where you want to be. So you decide to go somewhere else. That’s not a failure, that’s clarity. And if you ask me, it’s bravery.

In my case, I wasn’t divorcing a horrible human, I was divorcing a good man. And when you announce you’re divorcing a good man, the world looks at you like you’ve lost your mind. Like someone gave you a gift and you decided to set it on fire for no good reason.

It takes a lot of guts to make a decision you know will make you the villain in the story. It sets the whispers whirling. The dirty looks from across the room. Even some of the people you thought loved you, might suddenly hate you. But sometimes you have to make those decisions in order to live the life you should be living.

It won’t be easy. Not everyone will understand. But the only person that needs to, is you. You’re the one waking up with the product of those decisions every day. You, alone. So if you know in your gut you’re doing the right thing, ignore the haters and keep doing you boo boo.

In my story, I’m the villain. It took some time for me to get use to that. I’m not accustomed to the feeling. And I don’t like when people don’t like me. But I’m working on it.

Divorce hurts. The hardest part for me was hurting my husband. He’s a good guy that’s done everything I’ve ever asked of him. He’s done nothing wrong. I think that’s why it’s so hard for him (and everyone else) to understand.

Everyone wanted some big reason from me, like I’m cheating or he’s been abusive. But that just wasn’t the case here. My husband was a unicorn. The kind of husband that cleans. The kind of husband that makes sure your dreams are put at the front of the line. The kind of husband that communicates. He was still human, he still pissed me off sometimes. But he was loyal. He was a good man. And there I was, unhappy.

If only life were simple.

You work so hard chasing a vision of what you think your life should look like, only to find disappointment when you get there. I had everything I wanted. The house, the husband, the kids, the security, vacations. I even had a back porch to sip my coffee on and my sister as my neighbor. And I swear, the moment I got it all, the universe laughed.

It was as if I could finally relax now that I was there. And when I did, I could feel my soul screaming. I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. All that work. All those plans. And there I was, unsatisfied, yearning for something else.

I’d been in my own way. I hadn’t been listening. I’d just been charging ahead towards my goals. Towards my plans. Never stopping to ask if it was what I really wanted or why I even wanted it.

And there I was at those goals and something was missing. Something was bothering me. It had been for a while. Like an itch I couldn’t scratch. What was wrong? Why wasn’t I happy?

 

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time, girl met nice Prince Charming. And she thought everything would be sunshine and rainbows.

It was me, I was girl. And I’d met the nicest man. He was handsome, had a good job, treated my kids well, put his clothes in the laundry basket instead of beside it. He was a unicorn. The kind of guy you think went extinct.

So naturally, I married him. That should be the end of the story. And they all lived happily ever after. But… things rarely go that way in real life.

Just because you want something, doesn’t mean it was meant for you. The part no one talks about, is that not everyone should be with a unicorn.

Some people love ice cream but are lactose intolerant. Your body and your soul will send you the signs the whole time. But so many of us don’t know how to listen to those little internal messages (unless you’re lactose intolerant, then it’s pretty obvious).

It’s weird to think not everyone would want this perfect unicorn man. How’s it possible that I wasn’t happy?

I guess it’s because not everyone’s “happily ever after” looks the same. You know what you think you should want. What you think you’ll need. And you may even get fooled into living in that box for a while. It’s such a pretty box. It looks so nice from the outside.

But you forget to ask yourself what it is that you actually want. You forget to pay attention to yourself and the things that light you up. Do you even know what lights you up? Maybe you’re at the point in your life where you’ve never even asked those questions.

The beautiful thing about life, is that it’s never too late to start asking those questions. You’re never so far down the path that you can’t choose another one. How silly it would be to keep driving once you figure out you missed your turn? Turn around. Go left. Go right. But don’t just stay committed to the road because it was the road you turned on. You’re the only one standing in your way.

 

 Walking Blind

I would hear women describing the perfect man all the time. I felt a sense of pride over having found one myself.

You want a partner. You want to share your struggles with someone. You want someone you can count on. You want a guy that won’t cheat on you or lie to you. You know what I want? I want magic. MAGIC. I want to feel like I’m surrounded with possibilities and that anything can happen.

I mean, I want those other things too. But they don’t seem to matter as much to me in hindsight.

I didn’t know that’s what I wanted. I came from a very unstable family. So it seemed logical to me to choose the exact opposite. To choose someone dependable and good. Because that’s how you get a life unlike the life you grew up in. You choose the parallel opposite.

I wanted to be stable. I had pushed down anything wild or crazy inside of me. Pushed it way down. All my life I’ve had to be a grown up. I’ve had to do for others, keep a clear head, make good decisions. There was no choice. That was my life.

So long that part of me has been buried, I’d forgotten it existed. But it was there. And it was calling out to me. Like a part of myself that needed to be set free.

Like I’d been living a lie. A lie I wasn’t even aware I’d been living.

Something was wrong in paradise. All these things I had were supposed to make me happy. All these things I wanted.

I was having this nagging sense. You ever experience that? A feeling like life is trying to tell you something? Like it’s just on the edge of your vision, if only you could turn your head a little more to make it out.

That’s how I felt. And the feeling was getting worse. I was cranky. I was on the verge of hearing the message. But I couldn’t quite make it out. It was like someone was whispering to me in a loud room and I couldn’t hear them.

Things hadn’t started this way in my marriage. I was happy once, or at least I think I was. But in the last two years I could feel a shift. Growing pains. But I couldn’t pinpoint where they were coming from. Was it my job? Was it my life? Was it my marriage?

The storm was rolling in. The thunder was getting louder. You try to ignore the messages you don’t want to hear, but the universe has a way of getting through to you even if you don’t want to hear it.

I began to realize it might be my marriage. I told my husband I wasn’t happy. We talked about it a lot. We were trying to work through it. You know? Pinpoint the problem, and fix it. Go on dates. Actually sit next to each other on the couch. Feel more connected.

About a year ago I had a brilliant idea to go to a spiritual couples retreat. I love stuff like that and thought it would be a great way to get closer in our marriage. I had no idea how much this would backfire.

We went to the retreat. And the whole time I felt like a clenched fist. Like my whole body went on high alert. I wanted to bolt. Alarm bells were going off inside me.

What the hell was my problem? This was my idea. I loved stuff like this. Why was I on the verge of panic instead of embracing what was supposed to be a beautiful experience?

On the second day of the retreat, one of the guides asked us “What 3 things do you need, not in your relationship, but in your life, to be happy?” I don’t remember the other 2, but the first one came out of my mouth without any thought or my permission. I blurted out “Freedom”.

You’d think that’d be it. Message received universe. Thanks for playing. But no. That’d be too easy. Instead, I chose not to look too closely at that sign. I wanted this marriage to work out. It should work out. I should be happy. There was absolutely no reason why it shouldn’t work out. I could make things okay. I could work through this.

After all, I had a unicorn. It’s not like you see those strolling down the street every day.

 

The Truth Reveals Itself

You can only ignore the truth for so long before it becomes a much bigger problem. I tried though. Boy did I try. I tried for another year, wrapped up in complete denial. Ignoring the truth, trying to convince myself I was happy.

When I look back on it now, it all looks so clear. But at that point I had no idea I wanted a divorce. My husband knew I wasn’t happy. I knew I wasn’t happy. But we both thought it would get better. There are ups and downs in marriages, and this was just one of those dips.

But the universe was knocking on my door, telling me the truth and I was trying not to answer. I didn’t want to hear it. But the knocks kept coming, louder and louder.

I was snippy and moody. My husband started to get insecure and jealous, and he’d never been that way before. He kept cornering me and asking me questions about how I felt. Questions I didn’t want to ask myself, much less answer.

But the questions were forcing me to look deeper. And then I’d pull further away, and he’d strain harder to hold me. I was feeling like a caged bird. Like a cornered, caged bird.

In the days leading up to the real decision, my sister and I went on our annual trip to the ocean. I sat there, as the waves crashed in fury around me, and felt peace for the first time in many months. I felt as if I had escaped something.

I felt solitary and free. I felt blissfully alone. And I wanted more. I could breathe. I could relax.

I felt like I was shedding some skin, some suit that had been forced on me. I’d been wearing it for so long that I hadn’t noticed it was too small. It could no longer contain me. I needed out.

I’d outgrown my life. I’d outgrown my marriage. I needed to let it go. I needed to shed that layer of my life that wasn’t meant for me. That’s what the universe had been trying to say.

 

A Gypsy Can’t be a Unicorn

Just because things aren’t bad, doesn’t mean they’re good. You can forget life is full of magic moments. You can forget it holds endless possibilities. Maybe you get older and allow the cruelty of life to beat your dreams down. Maybe you just think that’s what growing up means.

But that magic is out there waiting for you. And I want it.

You might make a complete mess of your life and start all over. But it’s worth it. You may find heartache and mistakes along the way. But isn’t that the beauty of life? If you know what each day holds you’ll have stability, but stability is boring.

I want to live each day like an open book, ready to be filled with adventure. I want to laugh. I want to love. I want to embrace the journey and see where it leads me.

It hurt me to tell my husband I was done. He really was the best husband. He didn’t deserve to be hurt. But I couldn’t unhear the message. I couldn’t unknow the truth.

I don’t enjoy causing pain in others. But I knew it was necessary. I knew it meant and end, and endings are sad. I knew it meant others would hate me. I knew a lot of people would call me selfish and wouldn’t understand.

But the moment I told him, even with the sadness in his eyes, I felt peace. I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. I knew in my gut I’d made the right decision. There’s no greater confirmation than that.

I’m not a unicorn. I wanted to be. But I’m not. Deep down is that gypsy spirit within me that I’ve tried to contain. She has a wild soul calling out for exploration. She can’t live in that unicorn box no matter how pretty it is. No matter how many others dream of it and tell you it’s perfect.

It wasn’t meant for me. Over time that pretty box turned into a cage. The arms that felt like comfort turned to ropes preventing me from moving. That wasn’t my husband’s intent. But he could sense the winds of change calling out to me and desperately wanted to hold on.

And it wasn’t fair to him to stay when I didn’t want to. That wouldn’t be a gift. It would be a curse. To prevent him from finding someone that could love him better than I could. That would be real cruelty.

I was raised in a storm. And I thought to be wild, meant to repeat my family history. But it doesn’t have to mean that. You can still choose different, without going polar opposite. You can embrace your wilder side without being a complete mess.

I tried to pretend I could fit in that nice unicorn box and be happy there. But I can’t. And you shouldn’t pretend to fit somewhere you don’t. It’s a special kind of hell.

Others will tell you to appreciate what you have. That you have it so good. That it should be enough. But it’s not. Good enough isn’t good enough.

Life is a beautiful adventure and I plan to live it to it’s fullest potential. And so should you. We should all be brave enough to ask what things make us happy. You should ask it every day about everything you do and who you do it with.

At the end of this life, when you look back, you should smile at the beautiful adventure you had. There’ll be pain, there’ll be sadness. But all the bad stuff leads you to the good stuff.

It’s okay to be scared. Do it anyway. It’s okay to put yourself first. It’s okay to do what it is you love and tell everyone that doesn’t like it to FUCK OFF. It’s more than okay.

Live this life!!! Really live it. And someday you’ll look back and revel in all the moments that felt like magic.

 

 

 

 

 

41 thoughts on “Divorcing a Good Man”

      1. I’d say the same to you as I’ve said to others, is there any way it can get better? Is there a way to fix it. If there is, throw all you have into it. But if you know in your heart it isn’t working, it’s kinder to be honest about it.

  1. This article could have been written by me.
    Can I ask where do you find yourself now?
    How is your inner peace?

    Taking the first step is the scariest

    1. So sorry for my delayed response. I am divorced. I’m dating a new man. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to date after my divorce. But this guy allowed me to feel free in the most beautiful way possible. He allows me the freedom to chase all my dreams and be who I am. He holds space for me to work through any issues or traumas that come up for me. He makes my dreams a priority. While my ex husband loved me very much and wanted to do those things for me, he just didn’t understand me. He spoke a different language. I still have love for him. He’s remarried now and hopefully happy. We co-parent really well. So, it seems to have worked out pretty well. I hope that helps. Maybe the timing of my response is divine and hopefully not too late. Have a magical day!

    2. I literally read this in tears tonight… I felt exactly the same way! Every word in this article is 100% how I feel. It’s like I wrote it. We moved into a big house with land so I could feel “free” and I dont. I’m searching everywhere else but home for adventure, to feel like who I want to be. I’m terrified to leave financial security and I married the most amazing man on the planet. What is wrong with me…

      1. Nothing is wrong with you. You are perfectly imperfect. Know that before we go any further. Now that being said, I try to caution people to zoom out. Sometimes our traumas make us feel as though a good relationship is boring. I don’t know if that’s the case for you. But a big house or “things” never fill that void within us. He’s trying to make you happy but that’s not the way. The way to happiness is looking at what’s inside you. Find out what it is that brings you joy and do more of it. For me, it’s writing and speaking. It’s helping. For you it might be gardening or woodworking. You must find that passion within you and bring it out into the world. THEN, if you’re still unhappy in your relationship, look at why. It’s not our husband’s jobs to make us happy. It’s our jobs to make ourselves happy. We’re the only ones that can. So don’t give that power away. Take it back and find what makes you happy. Then once you find it, you get to decide if your husband still fits within that life or not. If he can be with you on this journey. Only you can know that answer. I wish you all the luck and clarity in finding the truth.

  2. Grateful to have found your post and website this evening. My heart has been so heavy as my gypsy soul is going through these EXACT same things currently. I just turned 34 and got married November 2021 and feeling extremely guilty about all of this. Thank you for sharing your experience.

      1. There are no such things as mistakes. All things in life are lessons, leading us toward the place we need to go. Be thankful for the journey, even if it doesn’t end up the way you thought it would.

      1. We did divorce. I wrote a book on how to be friends with your ex. I would ask you this? Is there any way you can make it better? Do you see any way in which things could work out? If so, keep trying. As for me, it was a matter of personality differences. It just wasn’t going to work out. I didn’t want him to change who he was, although he might have tried to. He deserved to be loved for who he is. Hope that helps.

  3. I needed this-I’ve been holding on for several years hoping I would change….wishing I would so I wouldn’t need to hurt him. It’s making things worse, thank you for sharing I needed this. I’ll be revisiting this blog many times.

  4. I could have written this. It’s exactly what I needed to read. I feel so isolated and overwhelmed with trying to stay with the unicorn. I’m so happy for you and I’m so thankful you wrote these encouraging words.

    1. So sorry it took me so long to reply. Sometimes the only reason for leaving is that the person just isn’t right for you. And that’s enough of a reason as long as you’re making sure there’s really no way to fix it. When it comes down to who you are as humans, sometimes you’re just not happy with each other. Freedom allows not only you, but your partner to find someone who can make them happier.

  5. It’s such a hard thing. I almost wish he was a cheater 😢 did I read you had children? Had did that work ?

    1. It’s incredibly hard. He and I had one child together. I actually wrote a book about co-parenting called “How to Be Friends with Your Ex”. My ex husband doesn’t want to be friends, so he’s not the example in the book of friendship, he’s the example of when it’s okay not to be friends, but how to co-parent well anyways. You just have to keep doing what’s right for your kids despite the mess. It hurts and often the kids don’t understand. I just kept talking to my son about it. Trying to explain. Eventually they adjust. It’s the one thing I wish I could escape through the divorce process, the pain in causes the kids. But ultimately I had to do it for me. And while it was hard on my kids (and me and my ex and everyone invested in the relationship), we all got through it.

  6. I felt this to the very center of my being. My husband is a good man in a lot of ways, but for the last while I have felt like a boulder is sitting in my gut. I’m absolutely miserable, and I hadn’t pinpointed why until a few weeks ago. I’m coming to terms with the fact that if I follow through with this I will be the villain in our story. However, the thought of continuing to live life as it is makes me feel physically ill.

    1. The fact that you’re listening to your gut puts you miles ahead of many people. When you’re on the wrong path, life will be very difficult. You know you’re going the right way when the doors are opening. Follow the open doors.

  7. Thank you so much for still responding to comments on this old post of yours. I have not read another thing I’ve resonated with as well as this in regards to my current feelings. On top of all the “unicorn marriage”-ness, me and my husband’s parents are close friends who hooked us up so they’ve always been WAY too invested, giving us issues as a couple since we started. Even after getting married and having them backed off a bit, we stayed too close to home. Also, in my culture, many women would rather live with their resentments of their SO than live with divorce. How did you find the courage to actually decide to make the choice? How did you find the courage to face all of those who called you unbelievable or greedy? Thank you again for telling your truth!! I hope living your truth has been everything you hoped for and more.

    1. Well firstly, I apologize for my delay in responding. But there’s no such thing as the wrong time. So I will trust that this message finds you at just the time it should. It can be really hard when other people are invested in your relationship. I understand that. But you have to remember that even though they want you to work out, they aren’t the ones living with the consequences of that reality. Maybe you’ve since worked through this and feel better. Maybe it was just one of those moments that the relationship feels like it’s not going to make it but then you work through it and your faith in it is restored. Most relationships have those ups and downs. And sometimes its the act of deciding that it’s worth working for that creates a love that stands the test of time. Somewhere out there is a great love story because two people refused to give up on one another. But it may also be that you’re still miserable. You like your life less and less and it’s sucking any joy you have left from you. If that’s the case, you have no choice but to change. You only get one life. And that life will be full of hard choices and even mistakes. But you have to go in the direction of happiness. Make decisions with love. Leave with love or stay with love. But if you go where love leads you, you won’t be led astray. It’s not going to be easy. But you can do hard things. They’re worth it.

    1. Sometimes our kids don’t understand why we do the things we do. But that doesn’t mean they won’t. When making a hard decision, you have to do what you think is right. And try to explain that with openness and honesty to your kids. The rest is out of your hands.

  8. Do you find that you actually loved/were in love with them at some point in time? I’m here but know that I have felt that and wonder if I can go back to it

    1. There was a time when I was in love with my ex husband. There was a time when I thought he was the “one” and that I’d spend the rest of my life with him. And yet, that changed. I could wonder if I had hung on, would it have changed, but I don’t think it would have. I don’t think I could have gotten it back. I think I grew to a place where there was no going back.

  9. Is it too late for me? Married 40 years and unhappy and fighting the earge for freedom for at least 30 of those years. & have been faking “happy” so much that many family & friends have actually said “I want what you two have together” We’ve raised 2 children & have grandchildren….how do I leave him at this stage……he is a unicorn 🦄 too.

    1. There’s something to be said for 30 years. That’s truly an amazing feat. In 30 years I would imagine you’ve seen the very best and the very worst of one another. You’ve conquered time and mountains. The question would now be, do you WANT to leave, or are you just bored? Because if you stayed 30 years, there’s likely a lot of love there. So are you truly unhappy or are you just uninspired? Maybe all you need is to do something to get you both out of your routine, move, go on an adventure, try something new. Only you can know if you’re truly unhappy and if you should leave. But know this, you don’t need my permission or anyone else’s if that’s what you think is the right thing for you. I wish you clarity.

  10. Holly,
    Thank you so much for writing this post. Like some of the other women here, I feel like I could have written it myself. I had a great husband, but I always longed for a deeper connection than what we had. I find myself questioning if I’ll ever find some else who will care for me as he did. I find solace in the fact that you found a deeper love and that your ex has remarried. I often think to myself, if my ex gets the wife and family he always wanted then I know I did the right thing by setting him free. I’m trying to break past this idea that karma will get me for breaking his heart.

    1. Growth hurts sometimes. It’s not bad karma to do what you need to do to better your own life. And sometimes are soul is yearning for something more. It’s okay to listen to that call. Especially when you’ve really done the work and know that the feeling isn’t going away. There’s a difference between being in a rut in your relationship and reaching an ending, where there’s nowhere left to go. I wish you all the luck and happiness.

  11. Holly,
    I came across this article and I immediately felt a sense of relief wash over me. I felt seen. I have been feeling like a horrible person for months now, as I have come to the realization that I want to leave my very good husband. Do you have any advice or would you be willing to share some of the language you used to explain to your ex-husband why you had to go? My husband doesn’t understand how my feelings could change and why I don’t want to work to get them back. I’m breaking him and finding myself at a loss for words when I try to explain myself. Thank you. This article has been a string holding me together this week.

    1. I wish I had a better answer for this. My ex husband still to this day doesn’t understand why I left. He could never really understand me. I tried telling him I just wasn’t happy, that it didn’t feel like it fit anymore, that I felt like I was going somewhere new where he couldn’t come with me. No matter what I said, he didn’t understand. But that’s the thing, he doesn’t have to understand. How he chooses to deal with all this will be his own responsibility. Sometimes we don’t understand why other people do what they do. And when that happens we have to confront that it’s out of our hands. We are not in control. And sometimes we have to surrender to the hard truth of others that hurts us and we can’t understand why. That’s a whole other journey that I hope he will be brave enough to go through. My advice would be to tell him your truth. Be as kind as you can but be honest. And if he still doesn’t understand, you make peace with that and do what you need to do anyway. With kindness and dignity. You’re not a bad person. You’re a person that’s finally hearing your own self talk from within. And what’s within is telling you something is off, and you need a change. It’s incredibly brave to listen to that guide. To play the devil’s advocate, it’s understandable that your husband loves you and doesn’t want to give up. He wants you to fight for what you’ve built together. I wouldn’t be doing my due diligence if I didn’t pose the question, are you sure you’re ready to give up? I gave up, I got a divorce, but I asked myself this. I was honest with myself. I didn’t want to fight for the relationship. Because I don’t think it was the right one for me from the beginning. I just couldn’t see it at the time. But if it once was right, can it be fixed? That’s what you need to ask yourself. Sometimes it can feel hopeless when there’s still a chance. But if you know in your heart you don’t want to work on it, you’ve outgrown it, or it was never really right, you can’t unsee the truth. And the only think left to do is act on that truth. It will be hard, but you can do hard things either way. I wish you all the happiness and fulfillment.

  12. Wow… am sitting here having just sat at the dining room table having a meal made with love by my unicorn as he frequently broke down in tears. I felt emotionless and I showed emptiness and irritability at having arrived to this spot in life. He’s a good man, simple, lots of love and adoration yet I’d said “I need freedom from responsibility as I help everyone and no one helps me” He’s friends with ALL thr neighbors in our tight-knit community and they perceive me as the villain. When we met, it was an instant connection, and 9 years later at age 57, I’m looking at an empty home and neighbors and friends who hate me. I never knew why until I read your words that they too are invested. They always admired us, yet this very handsome doting man doesn’t complete me anymore. He frequently pleads and I see his insecurities come out as he pours out his feelings and my affect is flat as I can’t even muster the tears. I’m cold. My 3 close friends who live afar tell me “intellectually I’m flying so high and his wings are hitting the corn stalks.” They tell me I’m intellectually starved. Maybe, but I have insomnia thinking “what am I doing??” He’s jealous and insecure from a small rural American town. I find jealousy a real turnoff. I’m confident and cultured and showed him places where we shared amazing memories. Yet why do I feel I’m returning a purebred Westminister prize to the shelter? I’m just a mutt.
    Your article was spot on and articulated perfectly. I need mental stimulation despite snuggling with him was the best ever, I feel so alone.
    Just…. thanks. I thought of what it would feel like too of he met someone and I’d miss him as his loyalist tribal culture wouldn’t let him ever speak to me again. He keeps saying “we have to talk it through” and my mindset is I can’t envision growing old with someone who makes me resentful. It took me to see him taking me for granted this past year to find the courage this week to ask for a divorce. Given our age, he fears going I to retirement alone and financially stressed. I’m the financially responsible one and it’s hitting him hard. I should add my unicorn lives above his means and emptied our joint account in fear after my divorce request in a panic… I’m still fine. Yet, I would love to remain friends…no kids…just his familiarity is comforting. Then I see YOUR scenario, remarrying a year later, then the jealousy, etc… this is a weird journey. Thank you for your honesty.
    Sincerely,
    The Villain of My Neighborhood

    1. This one made much more sense to me. I’m glad this one came through. I want to add that you may be the villain right now, but that doesn’t mean they will always see you that way. But it doesn’t matter even if they do. We have to trust our guts and do what we know is right for us. The problem is, once you see the truth, you can’t unsee it. There’s no going back to the way it was before. And I think it’s incredibly brave of you to be making this change at (what you called) this age. You’re never too old to deserve happiness. And I know that’s what you’ll find. Allow the numbness to protect you while it needs to, while you get through the thick of the mess in your house. And then grieve the loss, it will still hurt, and then move forward and find the happiness you seek. You can make yourself happy, it’s no one else’s job to do that. The right person will support your happiness. Good luck my dear!

  13. I posted last night but it didn’t post. I married my unicorn and were 58yo. He is a very handsome kind loving person. My post was extensive as I asked for a divorce two weeks ago and said we should keep it between us to show civility. He cried and doesn’t want to leave or get a divorce. There was an element of selfishness, jealousy and insecurity in him that was always there, all our neighbors and friends however in our tiny close-knit neighborhood have since gathered around him and I identify as the villain. He left me to vacation for a month when I was postop two weeks after knee surgery to heal from his emotional scars from his youth. In my walker, I felt it was abandonment and it made I easier to make my decision. My very handsome unicorn let the entire neighborhood know our home issues and that “he doesn’t want to leave” and that “I asked for a divorce”. He “has to move” he put in an email.
    He loves yet doesn’t respect privacy and has since apologized for telling everyone. I’m using a walker and while they’re all aware he left to “heal his mind”, he came back after friends posted online to return to my aid. He has since drained our joint account l, hired a lawyer and emptied much of the home contents in a panic mode. In response, I did the same and hired an attorney. He is moving out tomorrow purportedly to give me time but not concede to a divorce. He feels we should forget the past weeks and year and that if he can forget then so should I. I told him that I can’t see my retirement with someone who shares our personal life details due to his inability not to gossip. I have a prenuptial in my favor and he’s overspent for 9 years. He’s scared of being poor. He’s asking for our beach home to part amicably. I said “we could have solved this on a dinner napkin yet now our friends and neighbors look at me as a villain”. His response: “I told them they should treat you nice or they’re offending me.” They would not take a side had he not have spoken. I feel this next 24 hours will be grueling before he moves out as he has highs and lows, happy and crying.
    Unicorns crack to see their true selves. I want to keep our wonderful memories and ideally a future friendship yet. I feel like I’m returning a prize-winning Westminister pet to the shelter yet I’m just a cultured mutt. I’m unaccustomed to him pleading and it does take its toll. I live in a highly religious hyper political town and care for a 90yo parent who won’t mo e at her age. I feel more free yet I need a vacation from this stress. I’m leaving for the same reasons you are. I just exposed a character flaw in my unicorn. I feel sadness yet I have no emotion when talking to him. Is that normal? He cries, listens to Adele and Mylie Cryus sad songs, gets sad, mad, sad again. He loves me yet being so analytical he appears that he didn’t plan for the future as he relied on me.

    1. Wow. That sounds like quite the ordeal. I feel underqualified to give you much advice on this. I’d say his sadness is to be expected and your numbness might be too. Sometimes we have a period of numbness until we’re able to fully process what’s happening. I hope this resolves quickly for you. All you can do is trust your gut and make the best decision you can with what you know in this moment. Best wishes to you!

  14. I’m glad I came across this. It really resonates. I am 34 and got married at 27 after being together for 5 years prior to that (12 years together total). Something never truly felt quite “right” despite us being great friends, he is a great guy, we have many common interests, and our lives are merged well and we love our family and friends and lifestyle. No kids, just 2 dogs. I’ve always battled being a free spirited woman, and something about being in this marriage has made me constantly feel as though I am missing something, that my wings have been clipped, always daydreaming or longing for something deeper, a more passion filled life. I’ve grappled about whether or not I just have an unrealistic expectation of love, thoughts of just being ungrateful, but regardless the inner voice always rises back up to whisper that I need something more. I don’t know if i even understand what “more” I’d be looking for, but you mentioned the feeling of magic about life and I used to have so much zest for it, and now I just don’t. It may be several things attributing to this, but I do sometimes feel that the institution of marriage just might not be for me at all. Or maybe I’m just not with the right partner. I need a deeper emotional connection, and that is not as important to him and he struggles to understand what that even means. As of recently, and not proud of it, I found myself falling into an emotional affair with a man who had all the depth and vulnerability and communication and free spirit himself that really made me feel seen and understood. And confirmed for me that that is exactly what I have been missing. Now I just feel torn, lost, and horrible about moving forward and what I want in my life. Leaving a good man somehow just feels wrong, even if it might be the right thing for me. I’m completely stuck.

    1. I feel like I felt exactly the same way when I was leaving my husband. I felt bad. I felt mean. To this day I still sometimes feel that way. It hurt me to hurt him. And yet, when I look at him now, while I still have some sort of love for him, I see a stranger. A stranger that maybe I never really knew at all. Just as he never really knew me either. Life keeps going on, regardless of your current situation. If you stay, if you leave, either way there will be pain. The pain of staying or the pain of leaving. What you must ask yourself is if you can recapture the magic for life with your husband. Try it. Do something new with the both of you. Go somewhere, have an adventure. See what happens. Despite my divorce, I adore love that lasts. I love seeing people choose each other over and over again. Defying the odds, fighting for the marriage. I hate to see people give it all up. Leaving is a big deal. But so is staying. And only you can decide what’s right for you. I hope you find your truth. Good luck.

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