Divorcing a Good Man

Caged

Divorce gets a bad rep. The world looks at divorce as failure. As a way of saying you weren’t good enough or you didn’t try hard enough. But in reality, sometimes you find your way through the the thick forest and realize you’re not where you want to be. So you decide to go somewhere else. That’s not a failure, that’s clarity. And if you ask me, it’s bravery.

In my case, I wasn’t divorcing a horrible human, I was divorcing a good man. And when you announce you’re divorcing a good man, the world looks at you like you’ve lost your mind. Like someone gave you a gift and you decided to set it on fire for no good reason.

It takes a lot of guts to make a decision you know will make you the villain in the story. It sets the whispers whirling. The dirty looks from across the room. Even some of the people you thought loved you, might suddenly hate you. But sometimes you have to make those decisions in order to live the life you should be living.

It won’t be easy. Not everyone will understand. But the only person that needs to, is you. You’re the one waking up with the product of those decisions every day. You, alone. So if you know in your gut you’re doing the right thing, ignore the haters and keep doing you boo boo.

In my story, I’m the villain. It took some time for me to get use to that. I’m not accustomed to the feeling. And I don’t like when people don’t like me. But I’m working on it.

Divorce hurts. The hardest part for me was hurting my husband. He’s a good guy that’s done everything I’ve ever asked of him. He’s done nothing wrong. I think that’s why it’s so hard for him (and everyone else) to understand.

Everyone wanted some big reason from me, like I’m cheating or he’s been abusive. But that just wasn’t the case here. My husband was a unicorn. The kind of husband that cleans. The kind of husband that makes sure your dreams are put at the front of the line. The kind of husband that communicates. He was still human, he still pissed me off sometimes. But he was loyal. He was a good man. And there I was, unhappy.

If only life were simple.

You work so hard chasing a vision of what you think your life should look like, only to find disappointment when you get there. I had everything I wanted. The house, the husband, the kids, the security, vacations. I even had a back porch to sip my coffee on and my sister as my neighbor. And I swear, the moment I got it all, the universe laughed.

It was as if I could finally relax now that I was there. And when I did, I could feel my soul screaming. I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. All that work. All those plans. And there I was, unsatisfied, yearning for something else.

I’d been in my own way. I hadn’t been listening. I’d just been charging ahead towards my goals. Towards my plans. Never stopping to ask if it was what I really wanted or why I even wanted it.

And there I was at those goals and something was missing. Something was bothering me. It had been for a while. Like an itch I couldn’t scratch. What was wrong? Why wasn’t I happy?

 

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time, girl met nice Prince Charming. And she thought everything would be sunshine and rainbows.

It was me, I was girl. And I’d met the nicest man. He was handsome, had a good job, treated my kids well, put his clothes in the laundry basket instead of beside it. He was a unicorn. The kind of guy you think went extinct.

So naturally, I married him. That should be the end of the story. And they all lived happily ever after. But… things rarely go that way in real life.

Just because you want something, doesn’t mean it was meant for you. The part no one talks about, is that not everyone should be with a unicorn.

Some people love ice cream but are lactose intolerant. Your body and your soul will send you the signs the whole time. But so many of us don’t know how to listen to those little internal messages (unless you’re lactose intolerant, then it’s pretty obvious).

It’s weird to think not everyone would want this perfect unicorn man. How’s it possible that I wasn’t happy?

I guess it’s because not everyone’s “happily ever after” looks the same. You know what you think you should want. What you think you’ll need. And you may even get fooled into living in that box for a while. It’s such a pretty box. It looks so nice from the outside.

But you forget to ask yourself what it is that you actually want. You forget to pay attention to yourself and the things that light you up. Do you even know what lights you up? Maybe you’re at the point in your life where you’ve never even asked those questions.

The beautiful thing about life, is that it’s never too late to start asking those questions. You’re never so far down the path that you can’t choose another one. How silly it would be to keep driving once you figure out you missed your turn? Turn around. Go left. Go right. But don’t just stay committed to the road because it was the road you turned on. You’re the only one standing in your way.

 

 Walking Blind

I would hear women describing the perfect man all the time. I felt a sense of pride over having found one myself.

You want a partner. You want to share your struggles with someone. You want someone you can count on. You want a guy that won’t cheat on you or lie to you. You know what I want? I want magic. MAGIC. I want to feel like I’m surrounded with possibilities and that anything can happen.

I mean, I want those other things too. But they don’t seem to matter as much to me in hindsight.

I didn’t know that’s what I wanted. I came from a very unstable family. So it seemed logical to me to choose the exact opposite. To choose someone dependable and good. Because that’s how you get a life unlike the life you grew up in. You choose the parallel opposite.

I wanted to be stable. I had pushed down anything wild or crazy inside of me. Pushed it way down. All my life I’ve had to be a grown up. I’ve had to do for others, keep a clear head, make good decisions. There was no choice. That was my life.

So long that part of me has been buried, I’d forgotten it existed. But it was there. And it was calling out to me. Like a part of myself that needed to be set free.

Like I’d been living a lie. A lie I wasn’t even aware I’d been living.

Something was wrong in paradise. All these things I had were supposed to make me happy. All these things I wanted.

I was having this nagging sense. You ever experience that? A feeling like life is trying to tell you something? Like it’s just on the edge of your vision, if only you could turn your head a little more to make it out.

That’s how I felt. And the feeling was getting worse. I was cranky. I was on the verge of hearing the message. But I couldn’t quite make it out. It was like someone was whispering to me in a loud room and I couldn’t hear them.

Things hadn’t started this way in my marriage. I was happy once, or at least I think I was. But in the last two years I could feel a shift. Growing pains. But I couldn’t pinpoint where they were coming from. Was it my job? Was it my life? Was it my marriage?

The storm was rolling in. The thunder was getting louder. You try to ignore the messages you don’t want to hear, but the universe has a way of getting through to you even if you don’t want to hear it.

I began to realize it might be my marriage. I told my husband I wasn’t happy. We talked about it a lot. We were trying to work through it. You know? Pinpoint the problem, and fix it. Go on dates. Actually sit next to each other on the couch. Feel more connected.

About a year ago I had a brilliant idea to go to a spiritual couples retreat. I love stuff like that and thought it would be a great way to get closer in our marriage. I had no idea how much this would backfire.

We went to the retreat. And the whole time I felt like a clenched fist. Like my whole body went on high alert. I wanted to bolt. Alarm bells were going off inside me.

What the hell was my problem? This was my idea. I loved stuff like this. Why was I on the verge of panic instead of embracing what was supposed to be a beautiful experience?

On the second day of the retreat, one of the guides asked us “What 3 things do you need, not in your relationship, but in your life, to be happy?” I don’t remember the other 2, but the first one came out of my mouth without any thought or my permission. I blurted out “Freedom”.

You’d think that’d be it. Message received universe. Thanks for playing. But no. That’d be too easy. Instead, I chose not to look too closely at that sign. I wanted this marriage to work out. It should work out. I should be happy. There was absolutely no reason why it shouldn’t work out. I could make things okay. I could work through this.

After all, I had a unicorn. It’s not like you see those strolling down the street every day.

 

The Truth Reveals Itself

You can only ignore the truth for so long before it becomes a much bigger problem. I tried though. Boy did I try. I tried for another year, wrapped up in complete denial. Ignoring the truth, trying to convince myself I was happy.

When I look back on it now, it all looks so clear. But at that point I had no idea I wanted a divorce. My husband knew I wasn’t happy. I knew I wasn’t happy. But we both thought it would get better. There are ups and downs in marriages, and this was just one of those dips.

But the universe was knocking on my door, telling me the truth and I was trying not to answer. I didn’t want to hear it. But the knocks kept coming, louder and louder.

I was snippy and moody. My husband started to get insecure and jealous, and he’d never been that way before. He kept cornering me and asking me questions about how I felt. Questions I didn’t want to ask myself, much less answer.

But the questions were forcing me to look deeper. And then I’d pull further away, and he’d strain harder to hold me. I was feeling like a caged bird. Like a cornered, caged bird.

In the days leading up to the real decision, my sister and I went on our annual trip to the ocean. I sat there, as the waves crashed in fury around me, and felt peace for the first time in many months. I felt as if I had escaped something.

I felt solitary and free. I felt blissfully alone. And I wanted more. I could breathe. I could relax.

I felt like I was shedding some skin, some suit that had been forced on me. I’d been wearing it for so long that I hadn’t noticed it was too small. It could no longer contain me. I needed out.

I’d outgrown my life. I’d outgrown my marriage. I needed to let it go. I needed to shed that layer of my life that wasn’t meant for me. That’s what the universe had been trying to say.

 

A Gypsy Can’t be a Unicorn

Just because things aren’t bad, doesn’t mean they’re good. You can forget life is full of magic moments. You can forget it holds endless possibilities. Maybe you get older and allow the cruelty of life to beat your dreams down. Maybe you just think that’s what growing up means.

But that magic is out there waiting for you. And I want it.

You might make a complete mess of your life and start all over. But it’s worth it. You may find heartache and mistakes along the way. But isn’t that the beauty of life? If you know what each day holds you’ll have stability, but stability is boring.

I want to live each day like an open book, ready to be filled with adventure. I want to laugh. I want to love. I want to embrace the journey and see where it leads me.

It hurt me to tell my husband I was done. He really was the best husband. He didn’t deserve to be hurt. But I couldn’t unhear the message. I couldn’t unknow the truth.

I don’t enjoy causing pain in others. But I knew it was necessary. I knew it meant and end, and endings are sad. I knew it meant others would hate me. I knew a lot of people would call me selfish and wouldn’t understand.

But the moment I told him, even with the sadness in his eyes, I felt peace. I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. I knew in my gut I’d made the right decision. There’s no greater confirmation than that.

I’m not a unicorn. I wanted to be. But I’m not. Deep down is that gypsy spirit within me that I’ve tried to contain. She has a wild soul calling out for exploration. She can’t live in that unicorn box no matter how pretty it is. No matter how many others dream of it and tell you it’s perfect.

It wasn’t meant for me. Over time that pretty box turned into a cage. The arms that felt like comfort turned to ropes preventing me from moving. That wasn’t my husband’s intent. But he could sense the winds of change calling out to me and desperately wanted to hold on.

And it wasn’t fair to him to stay when I didn’t want to. That wouldn’t be a gift. It would be a curse. To prevent him from finding someone that could love him better than I could. That would be real cruelty.

I was raised in a storm. And I thought to be wild, meant to repeat my family history. But it doesn’t have to mean that. You can still choose different, without going polar opposite. You can embrace your wilder side without being a complete mess.

I tried to pretend I could fit in that nice unicorn box and be happy there. But I can’t. And you shouldn’t pretend to fit somewhere you don’t. It’s a special kind of hell.

Others will tell you to appreciate what you have. That you have it so good. That it should be enough. But it’s not. Good enough isn’t good enough.

Life is a beautiful adventure and I plan to live it to it’s fullest potential. And so should you. We should all be brave enough to ask what things make us happy. You should ask it every day about everything you do and who you do it with.

At the end of this life, when you look back, you should smile at the beautiful adventure you had. There’ll be pain, there’ll be sadness. But all the bad stuff leads you to the good stuff.

It’s okay to be scared. Do it anyway. It’s okay to put yourself first. It’s okay to do what it is you love and tell everyone that doesn’t like it to FUCK OFF. It’s more than okay.

Live this life!!! Really live it. And someday you’ll look back and revel in all the moments that felt like magic.

 

 

 

 

 

96 thoughts on “Divorcing a Good Man”

      1. I’d say the same to you as I’ve said to others, is there any way it can get better? Is there a way to fix it. If there is, throw all you have into it. But if you know in your heart it isn’t working, it’s kinder to be honest about it.

  1. This article could have been written by me.
    Can I ask where do you find yourself now?
    How is your inner peace?

    Taking the first step is the scariest

    1. So sorry for my delayed response. I am divorced. I’m dating a new man. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to date after my divorce. But this guy allowed me to feel free in the most beautiful way possible. He allows me the freedom to chase all my dreams and be who I am. He holds space for me to work through any issues or traumas that come up for me. He makes my dreams a priority. While my ex husband loved me very much and wanted to do those things for me, he just didn’t understand me. He spoke a different language. I still have love for him. He’s remarried now and hopefully happy. We co-parent really well. So, it seems to have worked out pretty well. I hope that helps. Maybe the timing of my response is divine and hopefully not too late. Have a magical day!

    2. I literally read this in tears tonight… I felt exactly the same way! Every word in this article is 100% how I feel. It’s like I wrote it. We moved into a big house with land so I could feel “free” and I dont. I’m searching everywhere else but home for adventure, to feel like who I want to be. I’m terrified to leave financial security and I married the most amazing man on the planet. What is wrong with me…

      1. Nothing is wrong with you. You are perfectly imperfect. Know that before we go any further. Now that being said, I try to caution people to zoom out. Sometimes our traumas make us feel as though a good relationship is boring. I don’t know if that’s the case for you. But a big house or “things” never fill that void within us. He’s trying to make you happy but that’s not the way. The way to happiness is looking at what’s inside you. Find out what it is that brings you joy and do more of it. For me, it’s writing and speaking. It’s helping. For you it might be gardening or woodworking. You must find that passion within you and bring it out into the world. THEN, if you’re still unhappy in your relationship, look at why. It’s not our husband’s jobs to make us happy. It’s our jobs to make ourselves happy. We’re the only ones that can. So don’t give that power away. Take it back and find what makes you happy. Then once you find it, you get to decide if your husband still fits within that life or not. If he can be with you on this journey. Only you can know that answer. I wish you all the luck and clarity in finding the truth.

        1. You’re a liar. You DO enjoy inflicting pain on your husband, because it makes you feel powerful and in control. Why don’t you just admit it?? The truth will set you free.

          Repent. There is still time.

          1. I thought about deleting this comment because it just spreads negativity. But everyone deserves to have a voice. You have a right to your opinion just as I have a right to mine. If the message wasn’t for you, then it wasn’t meant for you. And that’s okay. It will find the people that need it. I hope you have a blessed day and that many good things come your way.

  2. Grateful to have found your post and website this evening. My heart has been so heavy as my gypsy soul is going through these EXACT same things currently. I just turned 34 and got married November 2021 and feeling extremely guilty about all of this. Thank you for sharing your experience.

      1. There are no such things as mistakes. All things in life are lessons, leading us toward the place we need to go. Be thankful for the journey, even if it doesn’t end up the way you thought it would.

      1. We did divorce. I wrote a book on how to be friends with your ex. I would ask you this? Is there any way you can make it better? Do you see any way in which things could work out? If so, keep trying. As for me, it was a matter of personality differences. It just wasn’t going to work out. I didn’t want him to change who he was, although he might have tried to. He deserved to be loved for who he is. Hope that helps.

  3. I needed this-I’ve been holding on for several years hoping I would change….wishing I would so I wouldn’t need to hurt him. It’s making things worse, thank you for sharing I needed this. I’ll be revisiting this blog many times.

  4. I could have written this. It’s exactly what I needed to read. I feel so isolated and overwhelmed with trying to stay with the unicorn. I’m so happy for you and I’m so thankful you wrote these encouraging words.

    1. So sorry it took me so long to reply. Sometimes the only reason for leaving is that the person just isn’t right for you. And that’s enough of a reason as long as you’re making sure there’s really no way to fix it. When it comes down to who you are as humans, sometimes you’re just not happy with each other. Freedom allows not only you, but your partner to find someone who can make them happier.

  5. It’s such a hard thing. I almost wish he was a cheater 😢 did I read you had children? Had did that work ?

    1. It’s incredibly hard. He and I had one child together. I actually wrote a book about co-parenting called “How to Be Friends with Your Ex”. My ex husband doesn’t want to be friends, so he’s not the example in the book of friendship, he’s the example of when it’s okay not to be friends, but how to co-parent well anyways. You just have to keep doing what’s right for your kids despite the mess. It hurts and often the kids don’t understand. I just kept talking to my son about it. Trying to explain. Eventually they adjust. It’s the one thing I wish I could escape through the divorce process, the pain in causes the kids. But ultimately I had to do it for me. And while it was hard on my kids (and me and my ex and everyone invested in the relationship), we all got through it.

  6. I felt this to the very center of my being. My husband is a good man in a lot of ways, but for the last while I have felt like a boulder is sitting in my gut. I’m absolutely miserable, and I hadn’t pinpointed why until a few weeks ago. I’m coming to terms with the fact that if I follow through with this I will be the villain in our story. However, the thought of continuing to live life as it is makes me feel physically ill.

    1. The fact that you’re listening to your gut puts you miles ahead of many people. When you’re on the wrong path, life will be very difficult. You know you’re going the right way when the doors are opening. Follow the open doors.

  7. Thank you so much for still responding to comments on this old post of yours. I have not read another thing I’ve resonated with as well as this in regards to my current feelings. On top of all the “unicorn marriage”-ness, me and my husband’s parents are close friends who hooked us up so they’ve always been WAY too invested, giving us issues as a couple since we started. Even after getting married and having them backed off a bit, we stayed too close to home. Also, in my culture, many women would rather live with their resentments of their SO than live with divorce. How did you find the courage to actually decide to make the choice? How did you find the courage to face all of those who called you unbelievable or greedy? Thank you again for telling your truth!! I hope living your truth has been everything you hoped for and more.

    1. Well firstly, I apologize for my delay in responding. But there’s no such thing as the wrong time. So I will trust that this message finds you at just the time it should. It can be really hard when other people are invested in your relationship. I understand that. But you have to remember that even though they want you to work out, they aren’t the ones living with the consequences of that reality. Maybe you’ve since worked through this and feel better. Maybe it was just one of those moments that the relationship feels like it’s not going to make it but then you work through it and your faith in it is restored. Most relationships have those ups and downs. And sometimes its the act of deciding that it’s worth working for that creates a love that stands the test of time. Somewhere out there is a great love story because two people refused to give up on one another. But it may also be that you’re still miserable. You like your life less and less and it’s sucking any joy you have left from you. If that’s the case, you have no choice but to change. You only get one life. And that life will be full of hard choices and even mistakes. But you have to go in the direction of happiness. Make decisions with love. Leave with love or stay with love. But if you go where love leads you, you won’t be led astray. It’s not going to be easy. But you can do hard things. They’re worth it.

    1. Sometimes our kids don’t understand why we do the things we do. But that doesn’t mean they won’t. When making a hard decision, you have to do what you think is right. And try to explain that with openness and honesty to your kids. The rest is out of your hands.

  8. Do you find that you actually loved/were in love with them at some point in time? I’m here but know that I have felt that and wonder if I can go back to it

    1. There was a time when I was in love with my ex husband. There was a time when I thought he was the “one” and that I’d spend the rest of my life with him. And yet, that changed. I could wonder if I had hung on, would it have changed, but I don’t think it would have. I don’t think I could have gotten it back. I think I grew to a place where there was no going back.

  9. Is it too late for me? Married 40 years and unhappy and fighting the earge for freedom for at least 30 of those years. & have been faking “happy” so much that many family & friends have actually said “I want what you two have together” We’ve raised 2 children & have grandchildren….how do I leave him at this stage……he is a unicorn 🦄 too.

    1. There’s something to be said for 30 years. That’s truly an amazing feat. In 30 years I would imagine you’ve seen the very best and the very worst of one another. You’ve conquered time and mountains. The question would now be, do you WANT to leave, or are you just bored? Because if you stayed 30 years, there’s likely a lot of love there. So are you truly unhappy or are you just uninspired? Maybe all you need is to do something to get you both out of your routine, move, go on an adventure, try something new. Only you can know if you’re truly unhappy and if you should leave. But know this, you don’t need my permission or anyone else’s if that’s what you think is the right thing for you. I wish you clarity.

  10. Holly,
    Thank you so much for writing this post. Like some of the other women here, I feel like I could have written it myself. I had a great husband, but I always longed for a deeper connection than what we had. I find myself questioning if I’ll ever find some else who will care for me as he did. I find solace in the fact that you found a deeper love and that your ex has remarried. I often think to myself, if my ex gets the wife and family he always wanted then I know I did the right thing by setting him free. I’m trying to break past this idea that karma will get me for breaking his heart.

    1. Growth hurts sometimes. It’s not bad karma to do what you need to do to better your own life. And sometimes are soul is yearning for something more. It’s okay to listen to that call. Especially when you’ve really done the work and know that the feeling isn’t going away. There’s a difference between being in a rut in your relationship and reaching an ending, where there’s nowhere left to go. I wish you all the luck and happiness.

  11. Holly,
    I came across this article and I immediately felt a sense of relief wash over me. I felt seen. I have been feeling like a horrible person for months now, as I have come to the realization that I want to leave my very good husband. Do you have any advice or would you be willing to share some of the language you used to explain to your ex-husband why you had to go? My husband doesn’t understand how my feelings could change and why I don’t want to work to get them back. I’m breaking him and finding myself at a loss for words when I try to explain myself. Thank you. This article has been a string holding me together this week.

    1. I wish I had a better answer for this. My ex husband still to this day doesn’t understand why I left. He could never really understand me. I tried telling him I just wasn’t happy, that it didn’t feel like it fit anymore, that I felt like I was going somewhere new where he couldn’t come with me. No matter what I said, he didn’t understand. But that’s the thing, he doesn’t have to understand. How he chooses to deal with all this will be his own responsibility. Sometimes we don’t understand why other people do what they do. And when that happens we have to confront that it’s out of our hands. We are not in control. And sometimes we have to surrender to the hard truth of others that hurts us and we can’t understand why. That’s a whole other journey that I hope he will be brave enough to go through. My advice would be to tell him your truth. Be as kind as you can but be honest. And if he still doesn’t understand, you make peace with that and do what you need to do anyway. With kindness and dignity. You’re not a bad person. You’re a person that’s finally hearing your own self talk from within. And what’s within is telling you something is off, and you need a change. It’s incredibly brave to listen to that guide. To play the devil’s advocate, it’s understandable that your husband loves you and doesn’t want to give up. He wants you to fight for what you’ve built together. I wouldn’t be doing my due diligence if I didn’t pose the question, are you sure you’re ready to give up? I gave up, I got a divorce, but I asked myself this. I was honest with myself. I didn’t want to fight for the relationship. Because I don’t think it was the right one for me from the beginning. I just couldn’t see it at the time. But if it once was right, can it be fixed? That’s what you need to ask yourself. Sometimes it can feel hopeless when there’s still a chance. But if you know in your heart you don’t want to work on it, you’ve outgrown it, or it was never really right, you can’t unsee the truth. And the only think left to do is act on that truth. It will be hard, but you can do hard things either way. I wish you all the happiness and fulfillment.

    2. Maybe the reason you are feeling like a horrible person, is that you are a horrible person. After all, feelings are wrong… or are they?

      1. Perhaps you’re right. Although I don’t think so. I guess I’ll find out when it’s all said and done and I meet the Lord. I take comfort in the fact that I’m at least trying to be a good person. I hope you find the same within yourself when you look. I hope healing comes to you for the pain that’s inside causing you to be so angry.

  12. Wow… am sitting here having just sat at the dining room table having a meal made with love by my unicorn as he frequently broke down in tears. I felt emotionless and I showed emptiness and irritability at having arrived to this spot in life. He’s a good man, simple, lots of love and adoration yet I’d said “I need freedom from responsibility as I help everyone and no one helps me” He’s friends with ALL thr neighbors in our tight-knit community and they perceive me as the villain. When we met, it was an instant connection, and 9 years later at age 57, I’m looking at an empty home and neighbors and friends who hate me. I never knew why until I read your words that they too are invested. They always admired us, yet this very handsome doting man doesn’t complete me anymore. He frequently pleads and I see his insecurities come out as he pours out his feelings and my affect is flat as I can’t even muster the tears. I’m cold. My 3 close friends who live afar tell me “intellectually I’m flying so high and his wings are hitting the corn stalks.” They tell me I’m intellectually starved. Maybe, but I have insomnia thinking “what am I doing??” He’s jealous and insecure from a small rural American town. I find jealousy a real turnoff. I’m confident and cultured and showed him places where we shared amazing memories. Yet why do I feel I’m returning a purebred Westminister prize to the shelter? I’m just a mutt.
    Your article was spot on and articulated perfectly. I need mental stimulation despite snuggling with him was the best ever, I feel so alone.
    Just…. thanks. I thought of what it would feel like too of he met someone and I’d miss him as his loyalist tribal culture wouldn’t let him ever speak to me again. He keeps saying “we have to talk it through” and my mindset is I can’t envision growing old with someone who makes me resentful. It took me to see him taking me for granted this past year to find the courage this week to ask for a divorce. Given our age, he fears going I to retirement alone and financially stressed. I’m the financially responsible one and it’s hitting him hard. I should add my unicorn lives above his means and emptied our joint account in fear after my divorce request in a panic… I’m still fine. Yet, I would love to remain friends…no kids…just his familiarity is comforting. Then I see YOUR scenario, remarrying a year later, then the jealousy, etc… this is a weird journey. Thank you for your honesty.
    Sincerely,
    The Villain of My Neighborhood

    1. This one made much more sense to me. I’m glad this one came through. I want to add that you may be the villain right now, but that doesn’t mean they will always see you that way. But it doesn’t matter even if they do. We have to trust our guts and do what we know is right for us. The problem is, once you see the truth, you can’t unsee it. There’s no going back to the way it was before. And I think it’s incredibly brave of you to be making this change at (what you called) this age. You’re never too old to deserve happiness. And I know that’s what you’ll find. Allow the numbness to protect you while it needs to, while you get through the thick of the mess in your house. And then grieve the loss, it will still hurt, and then move forward and find the happiness you seek. You can make yourself happy, it’s no one else’s job to do that. The right person will support your happiness. Good luck my dear!

  13. I posted last night but it didn’t post. I married my unicorn and were 58yo. He is a very handsome kind loving person. My post was extensive as I asked for a divorce two weeks ago and said we should keep it between us to show civility. He cried and doesn’t want to leave or get a divorce. There was an element of selfishness, jealousy and insecurity in him that was always there, all our neighbors and friends however in our tiny close-knit neighborhood have since gathered around him and I identify as the villain. He left me to vacation for a month when I was postop two weeks after knee surgery to heal from his emotional scars from his youth. In my walker, I felt it was abandonment and it made I easier to make my decision. My very handsome unicorn let the entire neighborhood know our home issues and that “he doesn’t want to leave” and that “I asked for a divorce”. He “has to move” he put in an email.
    He loves yet doesn’t respect privacy and has since apologized for telling everyone. I’m using a walker and while they’re all aware he left to “heal his mind”, he came back after friends posted online to return to my aid. He has since drained our joint account l, hired a lawyer and emptied much of the home contents in a panic mode. In response, I did the same and hired an attorney. He is moving out tomorrow purportedly to give me time but not concede to a divorce. He feels we should forget the past weeks and year and that if he can forget then so should I. I told him that I can’t see my retirement with someone who shares our personal life details due to his inability not to gossip. I have a prenuptial in my favor and he’s overspent for 9 years. He’s scared of being poor. He’s asking for our beach home to part amicably. I said “we could have solved this on a dinner napkin yet now our friends and neighbors look at me as a villain”. His response: “I told them they should treat you nice or they’re offending me.” They would not take a side had he not have spoken. I feel this next 24 hours will be grueling before he moves out as he has highs and lows, happy and crying.
    Unicorns crack to see their true selves. I want to keep our wonderful memories and ideally a future friendship yet. I feel like I’m returning a prize-winning Westminister pet to the shelter yet I’m just a cultured mutt. I’m unaccustomed to him pleading and it does take its toll. I live in a highly religious hyper political town and care for a 90yo parent who won’t mo e at her age. I feel more free yet I need a vacation from this stress. I’m leaving for the same reasons you are. I just exposed a character flaw in my unicorn. I feel sadness yet I have no emotion when talking to him. Is that normal? He cries, listens to Adele and Mylie Cryus sad songs, gets sad, mad, sad again. He loves me yet being so analytical he appears that he didn’t plan for the future as he relied on me.

    1. Wow. That sounds like quite the ordeal. I feel underqualified to give you much advice on this. I’d say his sadness is to be expected and your numbness might be too. Sometimes we have a period of numbness until we’re able to fully process what’s happening. I hope this resolves quickly for you. All you can do is trust your gut and make the best decision you can with what you know in this moment. Best wishes to you!

  14. I’m glad I came across this. It really resonates. I am 34 and got married at 27 after being together for 5 years prior to that (12 years together total). Something never truly felt quite “right” despite us being great friends, he is a great guy, we have many common interests, and our lives are merged well and we love our family and friends and lifestyle. No kids, just 2 dogs. I’ve always battled being a free spirited woman, and something about being in this marriage has made me constantly feel as though I am missing something, that my wings have been clipped, always daydreaming or longing for something deeper, a more passion filled life. I’ve grappled about whether or not I just have an unrealistic expectation of love, thoughts of just being ungrateful, but regardless the inner voice always rises back up to whisper that I need something more. I don’t know if i even understand what “more” I’d be looking for, but you mentioned the feeling of magic about life and I used to have so much zest for it, and now I just don’t. It may be several things attributing to this, but I do sometimes feel that the institution of marriage just might not be for me at all. Or maybe I’m just not with the right partner. I need a deeper emotional connection, and that is not as important to him and he struggles to understand what that even means. As of recently, and not proud of it, I found myself falling into an emotional affair with a man who had all the depth and vulnerability and communication and free spirit himself that really made me feel seen and understood. And confirmed for me that that is exactly what I have been missing. Now I just feel torn, lost, and horrible about moving forward and what I want in my life. Leaving a good man somehow just feels wrong, even if it might be the right thing for me. I’m completely stuck.

    1. I feel like I felt exactly the same way when I was leaving my husband. I felt bad. I felt mean. To this day I still sometimes feel that way. It hurt me to hurt him. And yet, when I look at him now, while I still have some sort of love for him, I see a stranger. A stranger that maybe I never really knew at all. Just as he never really knew me either. Life keeps going on, regardless of your current situation. If you stay, if you leave, either way there will be pain. The pain of staying or the pain of leaving. What you must ask yourself is if you can recapture the magic for life with your husband. Try it. Do something new with the both of you. Go somewhere, have an adventure. See what happens. Despite my divorce, I adore love that lasts. I love seeing people choose each other over and over again. Defying the odds, fighting for the marriage. I hate to see people give it all up. Leaving is a big deal. But so is staying. And only you can decide what’s right for you. I hope you find your truth. Good luck.

    2. Hi Elizabeth, I can fully relate to you and am currently in the exact same situation. I’d love to connect and support each other through this

      1. OMG! Hi Maria & Elizabeth.
        I would love to connect with you guys as I am currently going through the same situation.

        1. I’d love to be part of this little support group, if there’s room! I’ve recently left a unicorn after many years and really struggling with the guilt and pull back to familiarity.

    3. Elizabeth, I could have written this. I’ve been with my husband since I was 20, currently 39 with 3 kids, and knew there was always something missing. I really am the villain though by having an affair as falling in love. My husband knows of the affair and wants to make us work. I, however, found something I never had and I believe it to be the feeling of real love toward someone. The problem is I don’t love everything about this other person too and am now so confused over my feelings- were the affair feelings real? Or just the fantasy world we loved while together. It’s all so difficult to understand to know what to do. Can I ask if you stayed? How are you doing now?

  15. I am going through this process right now, the understanding and realizing process that my husband just can’t love me the way i need. He’s a great guy, checks all the boxes, but the disconnect is REAL. We have been married for 7 years, and I have been going through the morions for 5-6 of those years, feeling like a caged animal. Thank you for putting into words how I have been feeling. I am in the process of saving $$ for an apartment as I understand that I will be the villain here and should expect to be the one who moves out. Sorry for the long comment, this just truly resonated and it has been a very lonely journey figuring this out.

    1. Caged animal. I completely understand that feeling. It’s okay to be the villain. In the end, you’re giving him a great gift, the gift of finding someone that can love him better than you do.

  16. I came across this article yesterday after I got a huge bouquet of flowers delivered to my work on Valentines Day. That may seem crazy, but I was very upset by it. I’ve never liked the holiday,and never like large floral arrangements. My husband knows we are not in a good place at all,yet he chose to do this. Getting all my co-workers to ohhh, and Ahhh, and me trying to not lose my shit because no one at work knows I’m thinking of divorcing him. So I was near tears, and googled ” help, I want to divorce my nice husband” and this article came up. It was a God send. It says exactly how I feel, but better than I can say. He’s a good man. No abuse, no cheating, he’s a great father, he shops, cooks, does child care, supports everything I’ve ever wanted. Yet, I’m unhappy. We’ve been married 25 years next month. My gut told me he wasn’t right for me from our very first date, yet because he checked all the right boxes I stayed with him. He’s smart, stable, financially well of, kind, good family etc. The whole marriage has been me trying to be happy. And as this is my 50th birthday this year, I think I had a wake-up call that this is it. My life is more than half over. Is this where I want to stay? Where you talk about being the villan of the story is so true. Everyone will think I’m crazy. Why would I discard this amazing human? We have 3 children, one still at home. That is where the real conundrum sets in. He’ll get the home, I’ll have to leave ( stupid young me signed a prenuptial agreement). While I do work, it no where near covers the bills I’ll have all on my own and that’s scary. No more vacations, no more nice cars, no more golf trips. The thought of being 50 and financially insecure is terrifying. And yet, I STILL think I want a divorce. So. Thank you. Thank you for writing for us women who have that unicorn, but are not happy.

    1. Sometimes we have to give up material things in order to gain spiritual things. At the end of the day, I’d rather have less financially as long as I’m happy in my soul. That is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

    2. Clover,
      I am reading this and I literally could have written it myself. Down to the flowers at work. I was so angry and upset and I know people thought I was crazy. He knew we were in an awful place, and had never done something like that before. He bought me the biggest display of flowers. I wanted to scream. I have been married over 20 years and know he is a wonderful man. He will do anything I ask, if he is able. He is kind, helps around the house, takes care of all the outside work. The problem is I don’t know if I was ever truly in love with him. Though I do love him. I married him young, because I think it felt safe. We were great friends since school, and I feel like that’s all it ever was. I feel like I have always had to be the leader, he has never taken charge of anything. I think now that is really bothering me. I told him 2yrs ago that I wasn’t happy and things have just gotten worse. We’ve talked about divorce, which he is completely against, started some individuals counseling and now soon couples counseling. The problem is I don’t even want to work on it. Its like I’m completely checked out. I’ve told him all this and its like he just doesn’t care. He wants this to work at any cost. I feel like there is something completely wrong with me for feeling this way. I know people will think I’ve lost it, if i leave him. The financial part is also super scary, because I don’t know how I’ll make it, it’s possible I know, but very scary. Thank you for writing that, because it makes me feel less alone. I sure hope you are getting some clarity. I am hoping with therapy we can get the right answers

      1. Sometimes the answers don’t come until much later. All we can do is the best we can with the information we have. If you aren’t sure, do nothing. One way or another it will resolve. Either the pain of staying will get to be more than you can bear, or you will find a way back to connection with your husband. I wish you all the luck.

    1. If the message seems silly or doesn’t resonate with you, then it wasn’t meant for you. And that’s okay. Different strokes for different folks. I still hope you have a blessed day.

  17. I know a lot of people have this but I feel you wrote directly from my soul. I’m married to a great man for 14yrs. I’m bored, I feel like I’ve outgrown him. I’ve been accused of going thru a “midlife crisis” because I’m seeking adventure in life. I’m craving passion. I haven’t felt this in years. We’ve done counseling years ago and it helped to communicate some of the issues but now we’re right back where we were and live like roommates. I have no desire to have sex with him. I find myself wanting to away with friends more & more. I feel if we just met today, we’d have no interest in being together. I feel like we either don’t speak or only discuss our son. I feel like we are not being ourselves to each and walking on eggshells. I know when I get the courage to have this conversation it’s going to hurt him and I’ll be the villain. There will be rumors of something else causing this because who would get divorced without there being infidelity, abuse, or addiction involved? I’ve asked myself countless times why can’t I just be happy and appreciate what I have? Reading this made me feel like I’m not alone in how I feel. Thank you.

    1. You’re for sure not alone. I’m sorry you’re going through this. But ultimately you have to trust your inner knowing. Do what is right for you. It’s none of our business what anyone else thinks about it.

    2. No, you;re not alone. Sadly, the world is full of entitled, short-sighted, amoral ingrates that can all join together and commiserate at the bad fortune of being married to a good man.

      1. Same as the last comment. You are entitled to your opinion. I find it interesting though that the only ones commenting negativity are the men. Perhaps you have been left after being a good man? If so, I am sorry for your pain. Not all pain is intentional. Sometimes people really are just trying to do what’s best for themselves. I hope you have a blessed day and that many wonderful things happen for you.

  18. I literally could have written this. You express what I feel better than what I can put into words. We have been married 11 years, together 17. I think I always knew I settled, because I had a very unstable upbringing and he was safe. I knew he would never leave me or cheat on me. But now I’m the one thinking about leaving, and I have a wandering eye. I want more, but we have two kids and I’m terrified to break up the family just to be alone. I don’t want to hurt him. I have a hard time in therapy because I don’t want to say what I feel as it will only hurt him. But my soul feels broken, caged, chained. I feel like I’m dying inside. I don’t know what to do. Am I just in a rut in my marriage? Am I being selfish? I’m afraid I just think the grass is greener in the other side. But I know it’s not butterflies and rainbows if I leave. I know it will be hard. I don’t know if I’m strong enough.

    1. Hi Jamie. A few things stood out to me. Firstly, have you tried therapy alone? It can be difficult to do therapy with your partner without being completely honest. And sometimes when you are honest, even if it hurts them, it can help to repair things. But you’ll never know unless you try. Secondly, I understand feeling caged. At some point the pain of staying the same, will outweigh the pain of speaking up. However that ends up looking for you. Maybe you are just in a rut. But you’ll never know until you’re honest about how you feel. Start there. See what happens. You’re strong enough to face anything life throws at you.

  19. Thank you for writing this. Sadly I felt this in my soul. I currently am a stay at home mom and we have an autistic son. I take him to aba school each day for only a couple hours, he’s only 3. I’m having a really hard time with wanting to leave because of how it would effect my sons schedule especially with him being autistic let alone his world changing. Sometimes I have the thought I just have to wait till he’s in kindergarten. Every year I express the same feelings to my husband so clearly nothings changed and next month is 6 years. Any advice on what to do? Financially it scares the shit out of me because I’ve been a stay at home mom for 3 years now and we only have a joint account and don’t have hardly any money. I resonate a lot with the words you’ve said about how you feel like your ex husband never really understood you. I feel that way now. Even the way he proposed to me screamed he doesn’t even know you but he was safe and I grew up in chaos. To be loved is to be seen and he never really sees me.

    1. My heart goes out to you girl. My advice would be to look into programs that can keep him longer than 3 years, look for a job to get yourself some income, and maybe try couple’s counseling before calling it quits. I never want to come across as anti-marriage. Some marriages can be saved. But if you’ve tried it all and you can’t make it work, start looking for a way out. The path usually presents itself once you make the decision.

  20. Disgusting. Appalling. Shallow. Self-centered. Be damned to your “feelings.” You are creating a hell on earth for yourself, and causing pain and chaos for others. You may not see that now, but you will. Oh, you will. But then it will be too late.

    Now, you read it. Delete it. But truth lives.

    1. As with your other comments, I won’t delete it. You have a right to your opinion. I hope to make myself and the people around me better. That doesn’t mean there won’t be pain or struggle. But it means listening to my instincts and doing what I feel is best for my life. The truth does live. That we can agree on. Have a blessed day.

  21. I feel like I have the opposite of a unicorn and yet this still hits me in my soul. We started dating right after high school, moved in together within 6 months & here we are 20 years later (married 14 with 1 son). At the time we began dating, he was my safe place. I was in college, he worked & provided, albeit paycheck to paycheck. I went on to become a nurse while he’s remained content working minimal paying jobs. He has the most integrity of anyone I’ve ever met. He’s a great dad, lets me have whatever freedom I need & I truly feel he’d never cheat on or leave me. I am the breadwinner & also do 90% of the other “stuff” – bills/grocery/anything school related. Life is hard & finances are the #1 stressor in our relationship. I’ve tried to be supportive & encourage him to find a more lucrative career path so that we can enjoy life’s adventures/pleasures, but when it comes time for him to actually put in the work, I feel it’s yet again one more thing I’m having to do for him & he just doesn’t seem to care how much this bothers me. I feel like an awful person who is simply out for money but there are certain basic improvements our home needs that we can’t afford due to his lack of ambition. I feel trapped because I’ve lost pretty much all of my friends bc of my insecurities when I was younger & the need to be with him 24/7. I feel that I’d be lost without him but only because it’s what I’ve known for more than half of my life. I feel like I’ve lost myself but by finding it is going to make me resent his simplistic views and way of living even more yet as you describe, I love him. Do you feel this is the same kind of trapped? I often envision what my life would be like if I did move on & I guess the only thing that keeps me is the fear that I won’t find someone who can meet me 1/2 way financially AND make me feel all the ways he does now.

    1. You’ll never know if finding yourself will make you resent him until you try. I think that’s the first step for you. Find yourself, what you need, who you are now. Once you do that you can reevaluate your current needs and desires. There are thousands of potential mates out there in the world. If this one isn’t meeting your needs, and doesn’t want to try to, I guarantee you can find someone that will. That being said, sometimes people will rise to meet the challenge and show you they can be the person you need. But not until you draw your line in the sand and show them you’re serious. I wish you all the luck in this journey to self discovery.

    2. Also, all my content will be moving to my new website: hollyrhoton.com
      Feel free to sign up for my blog posts and newsletter over there where I hope to be more active.

  22. Hi. I’m also going through this now. I have talked to my husband about it and he is really so hurt. He doesn’t even want to come home for now to talk to me because he can’t take seeing me. He is a great husband and father to our daughter. I dont know how to tell our daughter about it. I’m so scared to hurt her and to broke the family we had. It is so hard to be in this situation but i really want to have freedom. So long i have been so lost in being a stay at home wife that i never thought how to live without depending on my husband. That i feel caged and suffocated. I lost my identity for 16 yrs. I dont know if im strong enough and im confused to how to start my own life but i really want to do this so i will have peace within my soul. I dont want to live a pretend life.

    1. I understand that your husband feels hurt. It’s painful to hear that your partner is unhappy. Change is terrifying. But when you’re not happy, something has to change. That could just be you going out into the world and getting a job. Maybe that would make you feel less trapped and more alive. It could also be that you’re with the wrong person. But only you can decide that. What I will say is that you ARE strong enough to change any of the things you need to change. Sometimes you don’t know how strong you are until you’re in the fire. But you have all you need within you no matter what. Live a beautiful life.

  23. Kathy Zatorski

    I am really appreciating this article. My husband and I are divorcing after 26 years of marriage. I’m the unicorn and he is the gypsy. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong. I did everything I could to make him happy and to be a good partner but in the end he just wasn’t happy and I didn’t understand until I read this. I’ll probably keep reading it over and over during the process to remind myself that he is still a good person and doesn’t blame me. He just needs to be free. I hope your ex-husband was able to move on and find his person just like I hope someday I will find mine.

    1. Also, all my content will be moving to my new website: hollyrhoton.com
      Feel free to sign up for my blog posts and newsletter over there where I hope to be more active.

  24. Why do so many of us feel caged? I also could have written this article. My Unicorn and I are still married – 24 years. I told him recently I don’t feel like I love him. The truth is I don’t know if I ever did. I wish this won’t lead to hurt – but how do you define the line between being selfless and giving up self to the point of no return? I think so many of the “John’s” commenting here with negativity are part of the culture that believes you just keep giving despite how you feel because that’s what marriage is. That’s how I was raised. But how long do you go for before you’ve lost your entire soul? It’s such a hard thing to think about. If there were any way I could have freedom for myself and stay married to keep him happy I’ll take it. He said he doesn’t want to lose me. All I could think to say back is I don’t want to hurt him. The feelings are gone. I don’t know if they can return because I don’t know if they were truly there.

    1. We cage ourselves by making decisions we don’t actually feel aligned with and then suffering the consequences. You have to find balance between doing what is right for you and what is right for the people you love. And that’s not easy. But ultimately if you’re not happy, neither are the people around you. You have to do what’s right for you. In demonstrating that braveness, you’ll teach your kids to choose what’s right for them too. And if you don’t love him, let someone else love him as he deserves.

      Also, all my content will be moving to my new website: hollyrhoton.com
      Feel free to sign up for my blog posts and newsletter over there where I hope to be more active.

  25. I am about to have this talk with my husband and I’m terrified. I don’t think I was ever truly attracted to him, I just never had the confidence that I would get anyone else to marry me. He was fun to travel with and just be with but we never had that butterflies in stomach connection. I know that and I want that in a partner. We’ve been married 14 years now and have 2 grade school kids and I’ve been pushing this down for so long. But I am social and I want freedom. I don’t want to be tied down. I want the responsibility of my children and that’s all. I adore my kids and so does he. We are roommates now. He knows we have connection problems, we’ve talked about it multiple times. It changes for a few days and then goes back to the way it was. Just like the article he’s started to get more suspicious because I’ve pulled away, and I feel like I have ropes tied around my wrists holding me to this house. He makes great money, we have a very comfortable life with a nice house, land, everything you could want. But every day I know what will happen and I can’t live like that. I have no passion or spark or excitement. We barely have sex and if even kill for him to objectify me once in a while! He never even comments on my looks. Please anyone reading that has advice on how to do this smoothly with 2 young kids, reach out. I need all the help I can get. And all the support. I’m terrified 😞

    1. Butterflies are great, but even those fade. I think it’s all about building a life with someone that you actually respect, can have fun with, and share goals with. Building a life together, working together. That being said, a good sex life is important too. Haha.

    2. I’m not sure there is a smooth way to do it. You just be honest, and try to do it in the kindest way you can. That’s really all you can do.

      Also, all my content will be moving to my new website: hollyrhoton.com
      Feel free to sign up for my blog posts and newsletter over there where I hope to be more active.

  26. Thank you for sharing this. My situation isn’t exactly the same. My husband wasn’t a unicorn, but he has been trying now. Except even with him trying I’m still unhappy. I still want to separate. But I feel so incredibly guilty about it. How can I tell him to change and then still leave him when he does? I wish I had your bravery.

    1. Also, all my content will be moving to my new website: hollyrhoton.com
      Feel free to sign up for my blog posts and newsletter over there where I hope to be more active.

  27. As I wrote above replying to Elizabeth’s comment, I feel the same way. We just celebrated our 15 year wedding anniversary, together for 20 now, since I was 20 years old. We have everything you could dream of. An awesome house, three great elementary school kids, he supports me in everything I do and is a great provider. However, I always felt like something was missing. I only had one relationship before him and that man was abusive and my husband and I sort of just fell together. We met online and things just worked but I felt uneasy when he proposed. I cried walking down the aisle wondering if I was making a mistake. I’ve had affairs. The most recent I realized what I was missing- feelings of love. I felt seen, heard, cared for differently. Now I unfortunately can’t unfeel those feelings and know my husband can’t provide that. The thoughtful, non materialistic things. He knows of the affair and wants us to work it out. We’ve been to counseling (and I’ve seen an individual counselor longer) and nothing is helping me process what I’m feeling any better. The counselor questions me saying maybe he is the right man for me when I say I think he isn’t. I still feel so unhappy after having everything I’ve wanted and helped build. I feel guilty and want a Time Machine to go back into my bubble of unknown. But at the same time, maybe it was meant to happen and maybe finally trusting my gut or following my intuition is what I should have done all along. It’s just hard to trust myself now since I’ve never done it before. I fear I will have so many regrets and tearing up our family and friendships/relationships for so many unknowns. I work from home and have whatever I want in life. Even now, I still have his trust and freedom to do whatever I want. I’d have to leave to start new, get a job outside of the house to fully support myself. Life would 100% completely change. But I now feel like I’m building a life with the wrong person. I’m so lost.

    1. You need to get clear on what it is you want or need. And then be honest with yourself about it. If he aligns with that awesome, if he doesn’t then you have your truth. And once you know it you can’t unknow it. You have to trust your gut. And the only way to get better at doing that is by doing it. You can start smaller with listening to your gut. But it holds the keys. Sometimes life changes and it’s really hard, but that doesn’t mean hard isn’t still better. But that’s something only you can decide.

  28. This (and so many of the comments) resonates with me so much, I’m so glad I found it. Thank you. Can I ask: you said that you felt in your gut that it was the right decision AFTER you’d told your husband your decision. Beforehand, going into that conversation, were you still a little unsure? Feeling like you were stepping into darkness? My therapist said that people often aren’t certain about their decision to leave until a while later. This terrifies me. I’m scared that as soon as the words leave my mouth I’ll regret them and not be able to undo them. Did you have that fear? I guess I don’t fully trust myself to know what I want or feel. But I feel so seen reading this article.

    1. No. I was sure. I did feel like I was stepping into the unknown. But I knew that it was the right thing for me. I didn’t know what would happen after I said it, but I knew I had to say it or it would eat me alive.

  29. Hello Holly, thank you for this great article 🙏
    As all the ladies here , I also feel this article was written for me. As most here I do have a good man and father at home, he’s hardworking, he earns well , he’s also helping at home whenever he can and he also is a good dad. Just want to add a bit of my past here I grew up seeing my father drinking and sometimes coming home and beating my I mother grow up to see the fights with my older sister and then when I become a young lady I have choosed my partner’s in this way most of them were abusive towards me and I sometimes also I towards them I was holding to so much anger and pain I was drinking and partying for a good period of my life. After a couple of abusive relationships and all the years of partying and numbness I started understanding that was not what I needed I had woken up and wanted to understand me, my past my traumas so my life took a different path , I choose to completely change, then I meet my partner it was a very rapid process I realized after 2 weeks is not what I needed because of he’s relationship with alcohol and also the fact that he was lying a lot to hide it, but because he had this very good side of him I stayed as all my past relationships were more destructive, and I saw in him a good man then also everyone told me to don’t leave cos he’s a very good man and I will never find someone like him and etc and coming after all the relationships I’ve been It’s hard to see you get to get a better chance … then I got pregnant after 1 and a half month then I also got totally lost in this relationship where I had to be present Always at all the family meetings that would be very very often we never have time for ourselves and when we do were exhausted and etc obviously he was 90% drunk and many times forgetting that I I was around. He’s parents have a huge power over us mostly on him ( I have kind of dealt with a lot that came from them they have narcissistic personalities that now I see also in my man.
    Anyways coming back to our relationship I felt like I was an alien not too many times understood just because I didn’t comply with everything and because I do things differently everything what I said or did come back to me as a threat but I kind of get over that because still I felt he’s a good man he lived a lot and I thought we have a lot of similarities especially with what we’ve lived , I’ve said and I wanted to live many times cos of this reason here , he always have good tactics to keep me caged by saying he will change etc and also by making me feel that I will not make it if we will separate, that I won’t be able to care for our son or etc all the threatening coming , and many times I get to think that he is right… but lately it came more clear that I need my freedom back as many here I feel caged in a beautiful home , I’m trying to heal but whenever I do some sort of good staff for myself I feel like he wants to pull me down from track I want to feel free again, he has a way of taking out what is worst in me and then he looks like he’s the one that does nothing wrong. It took me some years to see this or I might have just choose not to see it. I feel like I am getting more clarity that I have to leave I’m afraid I’m scared of my sons reaction I’m scared that maybe I will not make it and that he’s right.. I’m in a bubble but I feel like is slowly exploding… I also have no financial situation I’m actually depending on him even if i will have to move out so I don’t know where to start cos he also don’t agree that I want to move and he don’t take me seriously…
    Sorry for the long message kind of felt like putting it out feels like a safe place here!

    All the best to all of you !

    1. It’s amazing what our past traumas can convince us is normal or okay. As you grow, so will the standards you have for men. And then you’ll attract different men. Keep trying to heal. Don’t let anyone stop you from that. It’s the most important thing you can do for your life. People that don’t want you to heal are the ones benefiting most from the unhealed version of you. Or it scares them because they aren’t ready or don’t understand how to grow. Be an example for them. You can do anything.

    2. Also, all my content will be moving to my new website: hollyrhoton.com
      Feel free to sign up for my blog posts and newsletter over there where I hope to be more active.

  30. I first found this post about 4 months ago when I started have this feeling that my unicorn husband and I were no longer going to work. We have been married 9 years today and together for almost 14. I was 19 when I met him and he was 23. We met in college. I got married just before by 24th bday so we could get his green card process started. He’s Canadian. I never really wanted to get married because I came from a broken family and divorce seemed to surround me. It just didn’t seem practical, but it was the most logical thing for us to do because he needed to stay in the country. We had locked together for 4 years at this point and went through grad school, living a part and moving to a big city. It all just flowed. He’s an amazing guys, cooks, cleans, always has a steady job, is caring, supportive … he’s a catch. He’s always wanted kids and I’ve never water kids. It’s a conversation we had many times but would brush it under the rug because we were still young. I finally came face to face with it when I was 26, about 3 years after we got married. We were talking about it one night and he told me that we wouldn’t not workout if I didn’t want kids. That stung and that was the first moment I realized we were not on the same path. I went to therapy and really tried to work on me and how I could overcome not wanting kids. We discussed adoption but my husband wanted his own. We discussed surrogacy but it was too expensive. At this point I truly through our marriage was over. He didn’t want to discuss it because he never really faces problems, he just goes with the flow and doesn’t want to disrupt the peace. I wa ago it crazy. I want on a bachelorette party and met this guy. We instantly connect. We kissed and that’s it but continued to chat via text for a bit. Then it fizzled and I moved on. I buried myself in work and decided to go back to school for PT. My husband and I just moved forward. Covid hit and things were stalled then I continue PT school in another state and moved to Utah for 6 month for a clinical. We lived separate lives and I felt so incredibly free. I was absolutely loving life and everyone including him recognized it. Then I graduated, settled into a new job and tried to force myself to want kids. We bought a house and I told myself I could do this. It would make everyone else happy. Everyone but me. I tried so so hard. Then I broke a little over 4 months ago. I finally owned my truth that I never want to be a mom in an capacity. My husband was shocked (not sure why, not one else I told was shocked at all and were proud of me for at least trying to consider and owning my truth). He’s was shocked, upset, angry. I felt FREE. A giant weight lifted off my shoulders. I also realized it might be a out for me form the relationship which was also a wild feeling. He came back two weeks later and told me it was fine, he didn’t need kids, he just wants us and the life I wanted. Now, I was SHOCKED. This man for over 13 years constantly told me he wanted kids. Would bring it up weekly. Would make comments and give me the eyes when we saw a baby or help my nephews. Always said we don’t need a condom because with was fine if I got pregnant. Made sex about babies instead of intimacy. I was angry this time and also just so caught off guard. I worked through this for months with my therapist and did emotional release sessions with another therapist. I was throwing everything at this. I mentioned couples therapy, but my husband was totally for it because he felt that we were on the same page and there was nothing t left to discuss. He wanted to give me space or just process my emotions. I did and it all came down to no longer seeing a path for the two of us to move forward together. I need to be free. I need to live my life not that k haven’t been able to. I also want him to have the life he truly wants with someone who wants it with him. I don’t . I told him that tonight. I finally couldn’t keep it in any longer. He was hurt, confused and just kept asking why and what was my reasoning. I couldn’t give him the answers he wanted and I feel so unsettled in that. It doesn’t understand why and I truly don’t know what to tell him. Gahhh this is so hard. I know it’s right, but his questioning me then makes me question myself. I knew this would happen. I feel like I’m crazy, the villain , I must be going through a midlife crisis, or km manic because why would I completely throw this all away?! But it feels right in my bones, in my gut, in my heart …

    1. What a journey you’ve been on. It takes real bravery not only to listen to your inner guidance but also to say it out loud to the people you’re closest to. They won’t always understand and that part is really hard. But you have to honor your truth.

    2. Also, all my content will be moving to my new website: hollyrhoton.com
      Feel free to sign up for my blog posts and newsletter over there where I hope to be more active.

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